There was a hint of uneasiness in the air on that fateful day. Kind of like when you slam your car into your neighbors mailbox and prematurely end its mailboxing days. Then you drive off as fast as you can, pretending that nothing had happened. You feel bad about it, but not really. They never liked you; you never liked them. Besides, there was only one witness and he still is not old enough to talk yet. The air was full of that sort of feeling. It was lodged deep in the pit of your stomach. The rest of the town must have felt the apprehension too because nobody was outside. School was out, yet the playgrounds were deserted. The roads were empty too, not a single car in sight. Not even the birds were singing. It was quiet, almost too quiet.

As Elwood walked over the hill that overlooked town, she could see a vast multitude of cars that were all parked at the biggest super Wal-Mart of the southeast. The sight suddenly gave meaning to the words, "If you build it they will come." It seemed that the whole town was in the superstore, making use of its wide selections and low prices. Elwood thought to herself how fortunate it was that she had clad herself with an oversized raincoat, bucket hat, and dark sunglasses. Nobody would recognize her; she would blend right in.

She made it past the usual local charity groups begging for money and the diligent school children selling candy bars to earn enough money to go on their annual band trip with ease. Inside however, she was stopped dead in her tracks by the ominous security camera that was pointing right at her! They were already able to smell her fear. They were on to her. She continued to gaze unhindered into the camera as if it were using her own guilt to keep her from entering the land of low prices. The management was smarter than she thought. Stop them before they even enter the building. They were already two steps ahead of her.

Her gaze was suddenly cut short by an abrupt pain to her backside. A small statured elderly woman had so ever graciously slammed her shopping cart into Elwood. "Oh excuse me sweetheart. I didn't even see you there. You just blend in so well," the elderly woman said as she waddled by Elwood and on into the great world of wonders. Elwood thought how it is so hard to come by such nice old ladies these days. It was to hard for her to be irritated at the disturbance, the lady seemed so sincere.

When Elwood refocused on why she was actually there, she noticed that luckily the crash with the shopping cart had confused the security camera. It had quickly forgotten about Elwood and had focused its attention over to an extremely built man still wearing his tight, sweaty workout clothes. He carried an uncomfortable stench of authority and an unscrupulous snarl on his face. Now he looked guilty. He grunted excessively to the children who were pushing candy bars in his face in exchange for dollars. They scattered after he made one last frightening grunt.

Elwood headed straight for the food section, the central core of the superstore, which holds the key to Wal-Mart's ultimate power. But a middle-aged lady with bleached-blond hair and orange skin blocked the path to the powerhouse. She was armed with two screaming children and a cell phone. There was no hope for Elwood to pass, for she had no defense.

"I don't care if she rips your face off!" the lady shrieked, "Give her a bath and stop complaining. Put that down. No, if one hair on her body is touched, you will never see the light of day again! You can't have Captain Crunch. Give her a treat and she'll stop growling!"

Elwood could not tell which was worse, the obnoxious screaming into the cell phone, or the persistent whining for more food. They put on quite a commotion for such a small poodle. At the height of the woman's ranting, the children ran off in opposite directions, rendering the loud mother befuddled. The confusion left a small hole in the barricade that was just big enough for Elwood to squeeze through. There was a light at the end of the tunnel and yes it was the produce section. Filled with fresh fruit and vegetables in great abundance and at an affordably low cost. Just up ahead was a humble patron's shopping cart. It was filled with a wide assortment of goodies: apples, zucchini, pre-cut lettuce, grapes, peanuts, strawberries, and spinach. There was one item that stood out from the all of the rest. At first glance it looked like a pickle, but with a closer look it was clear to see that it was no pickle, it was a cucumber. Elwood knew at that moment that it was the one. Slowly and inconspicuously she reached her hand towards it. Nobody noticed how easily that it passed from her fingertips into the deep pockets of her oversized raincoat. It was hers. She had the cucumber.

The strongly built man then came to claim the unattended cart and wheel it away, not realizing what kind of foul play had just taken place. However, he left behind one of his belongings on the counter by the potatoes. A closer look told Elwood that it was nothing more than a wallet. She picked it up and just to make sure, she opened it. It read, "Larry Lambert," and had a picture of the built man who once had a cucumber.

"Excuse me mister! But you dropped your wallet!" Elwood trailed after him. The man grunted something that could have been mistaken for an expression of gratitude. Everybody knows that one random act of kindness negates one random act of mischievous. Moreover, Elwood knew that because she had Larry's cucumber, she had ended up with the better deal.

Cucumber fresh at hand, Elwood left the scene and ventured down into the sacred aisles of pre-packaged food. She was in awe at the feats that preservatives could achieve. In the midst of her wonder, the most peculiar sight of cheer and happiness struck her. The being had big read curly hair, a round red nose, abnormally large feet, and always had a smile painted on his face. Elwood knew that a lot of Bozos show up at Wal-Mart, but this had obviously gone too far. The only option available to her was to follow it, to see what its purpose was and who it might prey on next.

As it walked with a skip and a jump by the other customers, it left behind a trail of sickening smiles. The smiling spread, soon everyone, man, woman, and child were all smiling in unison. What a sick bastard. Elwood knew better. It was not real happiness. It was all just a joke. Suddenly, the happy man made a sharp turn down one of the aisles. It was just as Elwood thought, the peanut butter aisle. That was where they all went. When they get that happy. Straight to the peanut butter. Now this was the time of truth. Would he choose crunchy or creamy peanut butter? His choice would reflect just how demented he actually was. He turned to look at Elwood, but she averted her eyes to the snack food display that she was standing near just in time. Convinced that she had not been stalking him the whole time, he focused his attention back to the peanut butter. Both hands slowly outstretched with anticipation as he reached for a crunchy and creamy jar. One in each hand! Elwood let out a scream of agony. Startled, the man quickly walked in the opposite direction of Elwood who was in an apparent sharp pain on the floor. She was tossing and turning, kicking and thrashing and somehow knocked over the peanut butter display. Throughout the store, people came by to see what all the commotion was about.

"Mommy, what's wrong with her?" a concerned child asked.

"Every girl needs peanut butter, dear," the understanding mother answered.

As Elwood began to calm down, two Wal-Mart employees pick her up and start guiding her to the backroom. When she realized what was going on, she began to get frantic. They were taking her away to be questioned. It was all over. The gig was up. She would be taken in to a small, dimly lit room, interrogated, and then forced to admit to a number of mischievous acts that had happened over the years. They would use the cucumber as a tool to get it all out of her. Then they would move on to: "Do you know anything about the mysterious disappearance of all of the ball point pens customers use to sign their receipts that are conveniently attached to the counter as to prevent theft?" After that it would be all over. She would not be able to hold up for long. Those pens deserved to be stolen! They were asking for it. Always signing evil credit card receipts. Plastic is the reason that families no longer spend quality time together anymore. It destroys lives.

Elwood did not want to go out like that. To go out for fighting for her country was an injustice. She had to get away. She had to make a run for it. Quickly she forced her arms out of the grip of the employees. And she started to run, fighting her way through the obstacle of peanut butter jars on the floor and through the gathering crowd. She pushed the nice old lady out of the way, knocking her off her feet. As she was running, the cucumber came out of her pocket. The crowd gasped in horror as they learned the truth of Elwood. She tried to grab for it, but missed. Her only other option was to make her way into the vast depths of the super Wal-Mart. She battled through mazes of clothing aisle and lingerie, shoes and sporting goods, past the fabrics and crafts section until she reached a stairwell. She was unsure of where it would lead to, but Elwood had nothing to lose. She had already lost the cucumber.

She went up about four or five flights of stair, which is really odd since it was a one story building. Elwood was on the roof, the very top of Wal-Mart. It was so peaceful up there; it was like she was on top of the world, looking down at the tiny cars in the parking lot. Nothing seemed to be able to touch her. She was free from civilization, until the employees came in through the door that she had just come through. There was nowhere for her to go. She was trapped, and she was too tired to put up another fight because she just wasted all of her energy climbing all of those flights of stairs. Why does Wal-Mart have so many stairs? It does not look like a five story building. She would have to go in submissively. Alas, Elwood's great adventure in Wal-Mart was over, but there was one more option that suddenly flashed before her mind, something that would free her forever from oppression and injustice, something that would solve all of her problems. Elwood thought for a moment and weighed her two options.

She turned to walk calmly towards the employees, but then psyched them out and made a run for the ledge. There was a sense of freedom in her last flight, a sense of recognition that it was finally over. However, just below her was a truck carrying cages of chickens. No one knew where the truck came from or what its reason was for being in the parking lot, but she landed directly in the center of truck and was stuck in the midst of all of the chickens. The truck drove her away to freedom.